Thursday, 9 November 2017

Could I be wrong about Mr. Right?

As I stood on the rooftop of a popular bar in the city, with brooding eyes and endless thoughts about how currently things were going with Mr. Right- I couldn't help but think what the catch was! Finding myself stuck in a sort of 'too good to be true' situation yet again, I began to wonder if history was repeating itself. Was it possible? Could I be wrong about Mr. Right being Mr. Right? Or was it just my overthinking brain that was reflecting too much on the past yet too little on the present?

Contemplating sharing my concerns with Mr. Right, I wondered if I even had a leg to stand on when bringing up these so called 'concerns'- or were they just fragments of my brain working overtime to accentuate the effects of the past- just looking to fuck things up with Mr. Right?

Talking of the past, however, my 'too good to be true' situation was pretty typical of sorts. Girl meets Guy. Guy sweeps her off her feet- talks about the future and can't stop showering her with compliments. Girl falls for the Guy. Guy thinks of her as a won conquest- gives excuses about being busy at work hoping the Girl would be smart enough to get the hint- doesn't really have balls to man up and say he's done. Girl finally gets it. Slaps him. Gets over it. Moves on.

Did it hurt? Very much. Does it still hurt? No. But once bitten, twice shy. They say, the first rule of any relationship is to never let them change you. I concur. But what if it wasn't them, but the relationship that changed you? Those couple of months with 'Mr. Too Good to be true' not only made me a more cynical person, but also made me doubt even the sincerest of efforts made by Mr. Right. I started to look for motive behind each and every move Mr. Right made.

For instance, when he brought me presents!- I should have been happy because he's probably the first guy to do that for me- instead, I was doubtful. "Did he get the same ones for his other girlfriends? Is he trying to lure me into sleeping with him? Is it just the stuff that someone else gifted him and he just doesn't like it enough so wants to pass it on?"- Endless thoughts clouded my mind, yet I hugged him and thanked him because I honestly loved it all- but it was just hard to believe.

As time passed, I started to rubbish my disbelief and thought to myself if it was actually possible that he liked me? Sure, i could ask him directly, but Mr. Right isn't one to express feelings or give direct answers- so one's gotta let his actions do the talking. Yet as days passed, Mr. Right started to get extremely busy with work and that took me back to the past within no time.

Don't get me wrong- I'm all for people having their own space and I'm pro 'work first'. And anyone who knows me and my equation with Mr. Right, knows that I have an unrealistic level of faith in him so I know he won't lie or wrong me. But in that moment, all I could think of, was that one guy who used work as an excuse to bail on me. And as anxiety and PMS got the best of me one night, I decided to ask Mr. Right if he was done with me. He was probably surprised about my sudden outburst and didn't know what hit him.

How he responded to that isn't really important because like I said, he never gives direct answers. But what's important to note here is, that I put across my feelings and told him my past was the reason for my paranoia and anxiety. And I'd want you to know, that like me- you, Mr. Right and everyone else out there has a past too. And the fact of the matter remains, that no matter how hard we try, it will continue to haunt us. We all come with a baggage of our own. We all need someone to help us with that baggage. But no one can help you with your baggage unless you tell them it exists. Maybe Mr. Right will help me with mine. Maybe I'll stop being so cynical and trust his actions more. Maybe I'll understand that he's not that guy from my past. Maybe he's that guy who's genuinely into me and there's no 'motive' behind his efforts- like there's no 'motive' behind mine. Maybe with time, and a little bit of more reassurance I'd know about what baggage he brings, and I know I'd want to help him deal with his.

Until then, I'm going to keep my anxiety at bay. And I'm going to remember, just like I'd want you to remember- no two people are the same; just because some guy in your past was a douchebag, doesn't mean the one in your present is too. People who are cheated on in the past can get loyal partners. People who've been mistreated in the past, can find someone who thinks the world of them. And people like me, who've always been on the giving side of efforts, can find someone who puts in efforts for them- without an ulterior motive. So here's hoping Mr. Right isn't scared away by my 'baggage' and can help me unload it. And here's hoping all of us are 'baggage-free' super soon- because you can't get rid of the past but you can do away with the baggage! All you need is a little bit of help!

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