Saturday, 4 November 2017

Labels, Titles and Desires of the Heart!

Talking to a colleague about one of his married friends, I realised there are people out there who cheat without guilt. Somehow, I had previously been oblivious to the concept- so this shocked me.
That night, talking to a close friend Priya over the phone, I asked for her opinion too. She wasn't as surprised as I was. Maybe it was the difference in our way of thinking- or the fact that she's been cheated on one too many times to be shocked by it anymore. But all this made me wonder, if commitment in today's date even meant anything? Or had it completely lost it's value? Or was it just me who laid so much importance on loyalty, while for others, it was just overrated?

Talking of Priya- she had entirely given up on the idea of commitment or labels. So she started out in a 'friends with benefits' arrangement with her childhood pal Ashish. Ashish who had very recently broken up, made no bones about the fact that this was exactly what he wanted. As time passed, Priya found herself wanting to talk to him about 'defining the relationship'!

What was she hoping the outcome would be? - She was maybe expecting him to tell her he liked her more than he let on, or it wasn't just about the physical aspect, or that their relationship actually meant something to him. What happened instead?- He decided to ignore the talk, conveniently.

Maybe it was because to him, what was between them, meant nothing. Or maybe he was commitment phobic, or hated the idea of labels! Or perhaps it was because Priya didn't directly ask him anything by putting her feelings forward and instead just vaguely mentioned if he was still in the same state of mind as when they started out.

But that night, talking to her, I tried to understand why was she looking to label her relationship. As per Priya, she was unsure about their status, and if or not she could see other people- and if Ashish would be okay with that. She wanted to be on the same page as him. I began to wonder if this was only Priya's problem or were me and all my other friends plagued too?

Why are labels and tags so important? What's all the talk about 'Defining The Relationship'? To me, personally, I would want to define mine so I'm able to introduce my man to the most important people in my life without him getting creeped out! And of course, when you're so into someone, you want to tell the whole wide world who they are! And why not! Also, being on the same page, relationship wise is important. But more importantly, don't our hearts determine our relationship statuses and loyalty levels rather than tags and labels?

If you start out with an intent to define your relationship just so you can assess whether or not you can see other people- isn't that intent wrong in the first place? And even though being on the same page is important; isn't it wrong to expect to know the other person's feelings before you express your own? Why can't we decide what we feel, independent of what the other person feels for us? Why are we so scared to put ourselves in that vulnerable spot?

My advise to Priya and to everyone out there who's in a nameless relationship of sorts would just be this- don't stress too much on labels and tags- let your heart decide that for you. Yes exclusivity is important and so is being on the same page, so that of course you don't stay loyal to the guy who got married in 2015. But then again, define your relationship for the right reasons; not because you're just curious what the other person thinks! Don't be scared to put your feelings out there- that's the only way to love a person known to mankind.

Another piece of important advice? Don't mince your words when it comes to having the talk. Men, and even women, are not mind readers or magical creatures who would understand what you mean without you saying it. Dropping hints is so 2007- we are not teenagers anymore and straight talk is the norm of the day!

Also, remember that even some married people cheat on their spouses and people in committed relationships also sometimes stray and end up cheating on their partners. Labels and Tags don't determine a happy committed relationship where no one cheats- it's all in the heart! I know I'm loyal to someone who I don't have a defined relationship with. Why? Because that's how I feel in my heart; and because luckily he didn't get married in 2015! Loyalty is a state of mind, and a decision taken by the heart- don't confuse it with relationship statuses!

Rise above the labels, and tags- but at the same time don't be fooled by a man wanting to have 'boyfriend' rights and privileges while not being man enough to acknowledge your presence in his life.

And anyway, till you find 'the one'- isn't defining any relationship just a little futile? Till then, just pay attention to feelings, and give the labels a rest!

1 comment:

  1. 100% agree with everything said! 'If you start out with an intent to define your relationship just so you can assess whether or not you can see other people- isn't that intent wrong in the first place?' - my favourite line! Very well written 👏🏼