It was around 2:45am on a chilly winter night last December and I was struggling to keep myself awake. I scrolled through my oh-so-interesting Instagram feed for a bit, watched a movie on Netflix, did some travel planning and even tried to bake a cake at that hour just to keep myself from falling asleep- all so I could wish this guy I was seeing, around midnight for his birthday. Needless to mention, he was in a different time zone and thus the struggle to be up till late.
As I picked up my phone eagerly at midnight by his time zone, and opened his chat window- I resisted the temptation to call him right away-I waited till it was 12:07 so as to not seem too desperate or available. I called him 3 times, and he didn't answer a single call. I want to say I was surprised- but was I? All this while, he was online- I wanted to text, but I was too heartbroken for that. I wondered if he was talking to family, or perhaps he had just left his phone on and fallen asleep. I started to make excuses in my head- excuses that explained him not taking my calls.
I thought in my head that maybe he was just not in a pleasant mood to be away from friends and family on his birthday and maybe that's why he didn't take my calls. Once I had convinced myself with all the excuses, an hour later, I dropped him a text- wishing him all the happiness in the world. Funnily enough, he was still online and I was still the girl who clearly had no self respect. He did respond the next morning, obviously mentioning he had slept early last night. I didn't question his lying and kept things cordial. So cordial, that when he got back into the country and there was just an 18 hour window between his 2 flights- I decided to send across his favourite cake.
It was 2 months later when I saw his "Happily Ever After" pictures spread across my previously mentioned oh-so-interesting Instagram feed, that I realised that he never valued me, or liked me as much. And honestly, while I can look for flaws in myself to take the blame for not being able to sustain a relationship- he claimed there was none (not the flaws, but the relationship). But that was the day I realised that against my better judgement and the wonderful advice I give all the women out there, I continue to pursue toxic men and give in my 200 percent in relationships where I'm not even getting an acknowledgement of it being a relationship. It's become a personality trait I think. So I decided never to do that again- to never put in more efforts than the other person, before the other person; to never give someone too much, too soon unless I'm certain their intentions are genuine; I decided to be more careful and more cautious with my heart so I never have to be awake at night again wondering why someone didn't take my calls.
The ultimate question in my mind that day was not just around why I continue to pursue such men who make me feel undervalued and unappreciated.. but also around why I put in so much efforts for men who seem not to care, at all. Being in a very similar situation in life as of today, one year down from the night of the incident- I feel I have the answers to these questions.
Why we pursue someone even though they make us feel undervalued, unappreciated and unwanted or why we put tonnes of efforts is because in all probability, they made us feel really happy, really valued, and really appreciated at a point in time- so at times we're just living in hope and chasing potential- so for us as women, it's not really about how happy we currently are, but how happy we could be. Little do we know, that men tend to change after they get what they want- most of them lose interest as the thrill of the chase ends. We're optimistic and hopeful, that things would change, that they'd want us, and we'd be happy again, but that's highly unlikely.
So, there's a choice you have to make- you can cut your losses and move on from men who may be cowardly to admit with words that they don't want you- but would make it evident in their actions; or you can choose to stick around till you see their happily ever after pictures on Instagram and then spend a few weeks recovering from the trauma you suffer. I'm not saying optimism is bad, or wrong- I'm saying being realistic is what is required- if a man wants you, he will come get you- your chasing him isn't required. He has a phone too, he can call, and he can text. What's also not required is you giving your 200 percent, because that'll only lead to you being taken for granted- and let's face it, that's not the most wonderful place to be.
But to be honest, while I've always made a case for letting go and I've even written on the ramifications of holding on as well- I'd like to point out that there's a difference between wanting to nurture a withered plant back to life, and watering a dead plant. you should know what kind of plant you're dealing with and you should let go when your relationship feels like you're watering a dead plant. Because you're not only wasting your time and efforts, you're also wasting the water- the water, that's capable of nurturing and blooming yet another plant; and trust me honey, life's a garden!
As I picked up my phone eagerly at midnight by his time zone, and opened his chat window- I resisted the temptation to call him right away-I waited till it was 12:07 so as to not seem too desperate or available. I called him 3 times, and he didn't answer a single call. I want to say I was surprised- but was I? All this while, he was online- I wanted to text, but I was too heartbroken for that. I wondered if he was talking to family, or perhaps he had just left his phone on and fallen asleep. I started to make excuses in my head- excuses that explained him not taking my calls.
I thought in my head that maybe he was just not in a pleasant mood to be away from friends and family on his birthday and maybe that's why he didn't take my calls. Once I had convinced myself with all the excuses, an hour later, I dropped him a text- wishing him all the happiness in the world. Funnily enough, he was still online and I was still the girl who clearly had no self respect. He did respond the next morning, obviously mentioning he had slept early last night. I didn't question his lying and kept things cordial. So cordial, that when he got back into the country and there was just an 18 hour window between his 2 flights- I decided to send across his favourite cake.
It was 2 months later when I saw his "Happily Ever After" pictures spread across my previously mentioned oh-so-interesting Instagram feed, that I realised that he never valued me, or liked me as much. And honestly, while I can look for flaws in myself to take the blame for not being able to sustain a relationship- he claimed there was none (not the flaws, but the relationship). But that was the day I realised that against my better judgement and the wonderful advice I give all the women out there, I continue to pursue toxic men and give in my 200 percent in relationships where I'm not even getting an acknowledgement of it being a relationship. It's become a personality trait I think. So I decided never to do that again- to never put in more efforts than the other person, before the other person; to never give someone too much, too soon unless I'm certain their intentions are genuine; I decided to be more careful and more cautious with my heart so I never have to be awake at night again wondering why someone didn't take my calls.
The ultimate question in my mind that day was not just around why I continue to pursue such men who make me feel undervalued and unappreciated.. but also around why I put in so much efforts for men who seem not to care, at all. Being in a very similar situation in life as of today, one year down from the night of the incident- I feel I have the answers to these questions.
Why we pursue someone even though they make us feel undervalued, unappreciated and unwanted or why we put tonnes of efforts is because in all probability, they made us feel really happy, really valued, and really appreciated at a point in time- so at times we're just living in hope and chasing potential- so for us as women, it's not really about how happy we currently are, but how happy we could be. Little do we know, that men tend to change after they get what they want- most of them lose interest as the thrill of the chase ends. We're optimistic and hopeful, that things would change, that they'd want us, and we'd be happy again, but that's highly unlikely.
So, there's a choice you have to make- you can cut your losses and move on from men who may be cowardly to admit with words that they don't want you- but would make it evident in their actions; or you can choose to stick around till you see their happily ever after pictures on Instagram and then spend a few weeks recovering from the trauma you suffer. I'm not saying optimism is bad, or wrong- I'm saying being realistic is what is required- if a man wants you, he will come get you- your chasing him isn't required. He has a phone too, he can call, and he can text. What's also not required is you giving your 200 percent, because that'll only lead to you being taken for granted- and let's face it, that's not the most wonderful place to be.
But to be honest, while I've always made a case for letting go and I've even written on the ramifications of holding on as well- I'd like to point out that there's a difference between wanting to nurture a withered plant back to life, and watering a dead plant. you should know what kind of plant you're dealing with and you should let go when your relationship feels like you're watering a dead plant. Because you're not only wasting your time and efforts, you're also wasting the water- the water, that's capable of nurturing and blooming yet another plant; and trust me honey, life's a garden!
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