Feelings 101

It was one of those regular Mondays- the ones that give you the blues. I struggled to wake up early morning and then finally made it to the shower. As I did my makeup, and put on my dress- my mind constantly thought about how difficult is it for me as a person to be able to express my feelings. While driving to work, my mind strived so hard to find words to match my thoughts and feelings so I could someday, one day- maybe convey to this guy I like- what I really felt about him.

Lost in thoughts, and still trying to find words- my mind drifted when my friend Misha called. She called to tell me, that after all this while of being on and off with her guy Sahil- she had finally realised that she was in love with him. While that was a good realisation for her- she complained she had two major issues at hand. One, she didn't know what to say to him- and as per her, he should already know by her actions. Second? She didn't know how to make him fall in love with her.

It's not that I didn't want to help Misha out- but it had more to do with her knocking on the wrong door. How could someone like me, who's struggling to define their own feelings be a guide for someone with the same problem? And an advanced level one at that.. But in a classic case of the blind leading the blind, I decided to advice Misha and asked her to text him about it. She obviously disagreed and said she didn't need to- because Sahil is already supposed to know. Although, don't we all know that men don't really take hints or read between the lines?

As days passed, Misha- in more than a few words told Sahil about how much she loved him and couldn't stay without him- only to be shot down and asked to 'chill' in return. While that obviously made her feel like a total loser, and gave me yet another golden opportunity to further emphasise and give the 'gyaan' on self-love, being strong and moving on; it also made me more paranoid about my own feelings. It made me question, what if I would be shot down too, and asked to 'chill'? Though in my mind I knew that Misha and I were in a very very different place in life, in our respective relationships and in our heads too- and I didn't anyway want to blurt out an "I love you"- I think; but at the end, I realised, sharing one's feelings always makes one so vulnerable right?

Trying to decipher my own feelings while consoling Misha on Friday that week- I realised it wasn't the sharing her feelings bit that caused an issue for her- it was the fact that she was shot down and her feelings weren't reciprocated. This brought us back to her second issue that we discussed on Monday- She wanted to make Sahil fall for her- but she just didn't know how. What i told Misha that day, is what I firmly believe in- I once read somewhere, that "A man knows who his heart belongs to. You can cook his food in diamond oil and do backflips on his d*** but if it isn't you, it isn't."- and that's just how it is. The truth is you can't make someone fall in love with you, and even if you could- wouldn't it be so fake and defeat the entire purpose? I've seen women bend over backwards to please and satisfy men who don't want them- and in the process they end up hurt and broken and then they blame these men. Ladies, I can't emphasise enough on the importance of self-love; so instead of giving your love to some undeserving man who asks you to 'chill'- you should rather focus on loving your self- buy yourself that dress, watch that movie you've been wanting to and eat at your favourite restaurant. Focus on your career or find yourself a new hobby- but at all costs stop focusing on making men like Sahil fall for you- because that's not going to bring you any happiness.

So while Misha is trying to get over Sahil as I write this on a Sunday night- I know that all of you women out there will take a cue from this and not waste your time and energy in making men fall for you even after they've explicitly made it clear that they don't want you. Letting go is certainly the key to moving on from relationships that no longer give you happiness or make you feel like crap. Me here? I did take a week but I did find words for my feelings- not good or clear ones- but i did. I ended up saying- " I like you more than I like you." Go figure. It did sound pretty self explanatory in my head though- but he laughed it off and he didn't get it. Honestly, I didn't get it too. But, what works in my favour? It's a better response than being asked to 'chill', and he didn't really say he doesn't want me. So I'm alright- and I'm hoping me and Misha will survive the coming week too!

The Bad Boy Allure

Sipping on my usual Green tea Lemonade at Starbucks, waiting for Dhruv to show up- I started to scroll through Instagram. It was a quiet evening and there weren't many people lining up for their coffee. As my Instagram feed started to lose it's charm, I kept the phone aside and started to eves-drop on the conversation going on between two people who seemed friends at the table next to mine.

The woman seemed very nice in the way she spoke, though she did come across as slightly self-absorbed. Constantly playing with her own hair, and accompanying her words with hand-gestures; she made no bones about the fact that the last guy she was dating was just not her type because he was a pushover. Made me realise, how much I could relate to her- on all levels.

Not so long ago, I met a guy on an arranged-marriage date. Let's call him "Nice Guy". Having spoken to him over phone and texts for a few weeks before our date, I had an idea about the kind of person he was. He was definitely not very outdoorsy as opposed to me- but we did have a lot in common. Nice Guy and me always put family first; we both had similar tastes in music; we both liked the same kind of movies and we both shopped at the same places. And as his name suggests, he seemed real nice- the kind you'd want to be fathering your children. And hence, without putting in much thought I decided to meet with him. Of course, he checked the basic boxes on the check list- so he could speak well, make a conversation, was polite and his jokes made me laugh.

On meeting him, I realised he was nicer than I thought he was. He came over to the place I chose- he ordered the drink I picked- he opened the door for me- he thanked the barista- he offered to pay (though he didn't)- he held the chair for me and much much more. I sat through the date wondering how he was the answer to all the "Chivalry is dead" memes. But as our conversation progressed, I realised it wasn't chivalry I witnessed that day- it's just how his personality was. He followed a strict 11pm deadline because his parents told him to. He gleefully accepted agreeing to anything anyone ever tells him because he never argued. He also told me about some issues he's facing at work, but how he never would take it up with anyone because he deals with what comes his way and makes the most of it. "Oh my god, he's such a pushover" - I thought, right before I made up my mind to reject him.

As I snapped back into the present moment at Starbucks, with Dhruv calling my phone to tell me he was running late- I realised I was just like the woman on the next table. And I started to wonder how many more women are out there- who are just like the two of us. For me, I've realised, I can't be with someone too nice. Chivalry and all aside, I'm certain I don't want a "Good Boy" who is a pushover and doesn't strongly put his foot down for what he believes in. I'm also pretty sure I don't want someone who was a weak personality that's not manly enough.

Last year, I spent some time with Mr. Maggi (the one who fell in love in 2 minutes). Everything else aside, what I really liked about him, and that was perhaps the only thing I liked- was when I told him that I was scared to go to some place, and he immediately asked me if I felt he wasn't man enough to protect me. Now I know feminism and all that, and I also know I'm no damsel in distress that needs to be protected or looked after- but just hearing those words was such a turn on.

But yes, meeting Nice Guy was a great learning. I now know I don't want someone that nice. I probably want a Bad Guy, who'd be good just for me. Someone who holds the door for me, but can also kick ass for me. Someone who brings me peonies, but would never allow for someone to mistreat me. Someone who'd have his own set of opinions and beliefs and stick to them in social situations. I may not be a damsel in distress but I do need some saving from the cruel world-  What kind of guys do you like?