Finding Mr. Right

The truth of the matter is, that you wouldn't know what real fun is unless you've been bar-hopping around town with the girls. Gulping down LIITs one after another, exchanging flirtatious glances with that charming guy across the bar, and dancing to songs you can hum along- all while wearing your cute LBD and having your girl gang by your side- is a high like no other!

I've been truly blessed with some wonderful girl friends! And girls night out is more like a holy ritual- one that constitutes endless chit chat, checking out men, and talking about Mr. Right! This time around, the talks about Mr. Right began, thanks to my cheekiness.

Dancing on peppy Bollywood numbers, it wasn't long before the cute guy on the table close by caught my attention. We exchanged a few glances before he got up and started dancing closer to me. Suddenly feeling butterflies in my stomach, I couldn't help but notice his smile as he tried to come closer, all while keeping his dance moves on! It was fun to say the least. However, in all honesty, I don't know what I was expecting from this impromptu rendezvous; and I was kind of surprised when Mr. Cuteness walked over and asked me for my number. What surprised me more though; was that I refused to give it to him.

Now, now, now! This has never happened before. I've literally exchanged numbers with guys at restaurants and bars before; sometimes even in the washroom queues; other times even with drunk girls who I end up befriending. So this 'No' came as quite a shocker- to me, and the girls.

On the way back, when all us girls were in the car- Alia decided to break the silence by asking the unavoidable- "Why didn't you give the Red Shirt guy your number?" she exclaimed! My answer was pretty clear and straightforward. Having recently met someone who I really like, and who I honestly believe to be Mr. Right; I don't want to flirt around with men and just want to focus all my energies and efforts on the one I really do like.

This sparked the debate about how to spot Mr. Right. How do you know someone is Mr. Right? How do you know you've found him?

As per Alia, who is currently in  a committed relationship, yet has set an year-end deadline for getting married keeping 3 very well thought options in mind- Mr. Right is someone who loves you, and prioritizes you. Dia, who's always running into fuckboys, defines Mr. Right as someone who doesn't look at her as a sexual object and genuinely cares for her and likes her. Anjali, who is bitten by the 'Bollywood Bug'- just like our very own Mr. E; expects violins and guitars to magically appear in the scene when Mr. Right walks into her life. And she definitely expects butterflies in her stomach.

As per me? I told the girls that anyone can give you butterflies in your stomach. But Mr. Right is someone with whom you feel at peace with. Mr. Right is someone who you can be yourself with; someone who lets you be, and doesn't try to change you as a person. When you hug him, and you feel at home in his arms- that's when you know he's Mr. Right.

I do agree with the girls to some extent though- Mr. Right has to essentially love you back, though he can have priorities of his own, just like you do. And he has to genuinely care for you, though I'd prefer him sexually objectifying me too. Violins and Guitars? As Eric Segal rightly puts it- “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” 

So excuse me while I go mull over if my 'supposed' Mr. Right thinks I'm right for him. Meanwhile, let me know what are your thoughts? Have you found your Mr. Right yet? How do you think you'll spot him?

Men and their Sexpectations

Story Credits- My dear friend Natashaa

Everything else aside, if there's one term, all of us millennials need to be aware of right about now, it's this- "Sexpectation"

As per Urban Dictionary, it is "The state of anticipating or expecting sexual intercourse from a social encounter, be it a date, a party, or a booty call. It describes a period of optimistic waiting that is just shy of a sure thing."

Funny, isn't it? How men always ask you to keep your expectations at bay and make it seem like absolute blasphemy even when you expect them to text you back; yet have no problems with sexpectations on their part! How ironic! 

Let me give you a slight example here. Let's go back to Mr. A, Mr. B, Mr. C and Mr. D from the 'First Date Shenanigans' piece. 

Not too long ago, Mr. A fell for me. I told him I wasn't interested but he insisted on being friends. In a matter of a couple of days only, he grew extremely fond and protective of me. Later that week, thinking it was harmless, I agreed, when he insisted on tagging along with me and my friends for a short vacay. Turns out, this new 'friend' of mine, had 'sexpectations' and was extremely disappointed when he found out that I didn't want to sleep with him, to the extent that he tried to force himself and asserted  "not everything will happen as per your liking" Surprised? I was too! 

Another classic case; Mr. B, who i went out with just once, that too ages ago- hasn't given up on his 'sexpectations' till now! I wonder why! I have already told him multiple times that I'm not interested in him and that my heart is set on someone else.I'm never going to magically wake up wanting him. But somehow, Mr. B doesn't stop trying. He still thinks someday he'll have me. Even as I write this, he's texting me, asking me to give it a try! How men love the chase!

Talking of Mr. D- he was really nice, in the sense that we never really got beyond his boring book reviews and courtroom drama to actually discuss his 'sexpectations'! I've been lucky in that case because I not only despised him, but, considering the man hated furniture, I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to live up to his 'sexpectations' anyway!

The truth is, and this is just my opinion, half of the men with sexpectations, these days can't handle rejection. In all honesty, even some women can't. But if today a guy tells me he's not interested in me, and I should move on, in all likelihood I would move on and not want to stay 'friends' with him. Men, on the other hand, think it's a great idea to try to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be romantically involved and/or sleep with them because that gives them an opportunity to chase her until she changes her mind. They think that being around and available will make the woman sleep with them. So they're usually like-

"Oh you have a broken heart?- Sleep with me"
"Oh did your cat die?- Sleep with me"
"Oh, you fought with your friends?- I'm here, sleep with me"
"Fling before the ring? - Sleep with me"

And then they act surprised if the woman doesn't want to sleep with them.

The other half, have this sense of entitlement. And don't get me wrong, but i guess it stems from the way they've been brought up- gotten every toy they asked for as a child so now they need every woman they lay eyes on! Sadly, it doesn't work that way! As a man, you're not 'entitled' to sleep with any woman you pick, unless she says she wants to!

So dear men, stop having these 'sexpectations' if you have to force them down our throats. If sex is all you want, be upfront about it. If we want it too, we will say it and it'll be a win-win. If not, let it go. Deal with rejection. Deal with the fact that there's a woman out there who doesn't want to sleep with you. Don't try to constantly change her opinion about sleeping with you. She's a woman, not a conquest or a mission that you're trying to accomplish.

I'm lucky to have escaped from Mr. A! But it's time, we as women, realize that we can't trust every 'sexpecting' person wanting to be friends. It's time, we stick to the friends we already have and stop trying to make friends out of those men we don't like back, as a charity case! That's what I'm going to do! I'm going to cut all ties with Mr. B starting right now. And that's how, finally, Mr. A, B, C and D's tales come to a wrap! Who knows, you'll probably be hearing about Mr. E next! Or Mr. Right! Or maybe they'll be the same guy.. Or two vastly different guys.. Life is full of surprises.. And so am I!

Romance, Love, Dating, Sex- the whole shebang!

Very recently, with some help from a mystery man (let's call him Mr. E), I discovered my love for pairing wine with ice cream and there has been no looking back ever since. This weekend, weight gain concerns aside, I decided to spend the night with Zareen indulging in girl talk and my new found love for the wine-ice cream combo! Like any other girls night, it was a typical session of boy bashing, fuckboy tales, talks about cute guys and the men who have our hearts. Of course, diets, yoga, dance classes, recipes, travel plans, other girls, were discussed too; but the focus remained on men and their moves.

Talking of Zareen- she had gotten casually involved with this guy called Vicky recently, whom she had met through a popular dating app only a month or two back. It was going nice for them- No strings, low expectations, and lots of fun! In all honesty, freshly having dealt with a heartbreak, that's what Zareen wanted anyway. However, it's never so simple, is it? 

As days passed, Vicky began to involve Zareen in parts of his life. He made her meet his friends. He started sending her mushy texts. And basically, in more than a few words, told her about how this was more than just sex. Now I get it- he was probably just confused; or perhaps he wasn't giving much thought to what he was saying because he wanted things to continue the way they were going. Zareen on the other hand, picked up all his very obvious signs, and started to think if he thought more of her. Already nursing a broken heart, this girl started to sew pieces together, just because she thought Vicky genuinely liked her and wanted to be with her. What did Vicky do? Fed her assumptions and and expectations just so that the sex doesn't stop!

I looked around and understood, how common this was. What do men do to continue sleeping with women they don't probably even like? They feed lies to them- lies women want to hear.

"You're the one I love"
"I see a future with you"
"It isn't just about the sex"
"You're important to me"
"I can wait for you all my life"
"You're the one I want to get married to"

Do I even need to mention how wrong that is?

So here's my advice to all the MEN out there-

1. Don't lead someone on. Make your expectations clear in the very beginning. If sex is all you want, be upfront. If the woman wants the same, win-win. If not, part ways.

2. Don't lie or sugarcoat your words. Never confuse 'I want to fuck you' with 'I like/love you'. If getting into her pants is what you're looking forward to, don't say ' I can't wait to make love to you'. No matter how similar that stuff sounds in your brain, it's vastly different. There's a difference in being polite, and in making someone believe like you want to be with them- forever.

3. Be a man, leave her be. If you're not interested in someone, tell them clearly. Don't say 'let's see where this goes'! Tell them it's going no where.

4. Don't introduce her to your friends, family, colleagues etc, or involve her in any decision making about your life, if you only think of her as a 'booty call'. That qualifies as misleading.

5. Lastly, do not, i repeat, absolutely do not make a girl fall for you, unless you have an intent to catch her. Love is not a joke. Heartbreaks are real. Women are people with real feelings, and usually, sex is more emotionally involving for us, than it is for men. So if sex is all you want, don't make it seem like you like her or love her.

And my advice to WOMEN?

Don't fall for the lies. Learn to read through the lies. And when you do meet someone nice, genuine and someone who is really into you- still be cautious. Because you know what sleeping with that guy is going to do to your heart and mind!

And remember, the only reason why you should do it with someone, is because you want to. And it's completely possible and sane to want to do it with someone you have no emotional connect with. It's also fine to want to do it with someone who you feel for, even though they may not be in the same headspace as you. Just don't go out giving pity fucks. It's a choice you make, a conscious one, make sure you don't regret it.

First Date Shenanigans

Story Credits- My dear friend Natashaa

Going through a magazine's Facebook page, I stumbled upon an article titled "6 tell tale first date signs that he likes you". Having recently been on a couple of 'first dates'; I decided to explore what the piece of writing said. As I clicked on the article, in the 10 seconds that it took to load- my mind raced and I thought of the guys my first dates have been with. I also thought about my self- judgments about them and if at the end of the date I did think they were interested or not.

In all honesty, once I was done with reading the article, I was more confused than before. Let's say I went out on a 'first date' with 4 different guys in the past year (Bad Stats- I know!). Guy A was nice to me, tall, and was pally with my friends too when we accidentally bumped into them. Guy B was again, nice to me, tall, smelled great and knew how to shake a leg. Guy C was very sweet, had the cutest smile, seemed extremely genuine, aside of being nice to me. Guy D was extremely smart and sensible, and his voice would melt a woman's heart in  seconds. Mr. A, however, was arrogant, pompous and rude. Mr. B? self centered. Mr. C had the most distracting eyes- the kind that make you forget what you wanted to say. Mr. D was boring.

While all guys had their pros and cons, I felt a strong need to understand and decipher, at least for the sake of my fellow girlfriends out there trying to decode their first dates what sort of signs to look for to understand if the guy is interested in you or not. Here's what is my combined learning from the article, Mr. A, B, C and D as well as my own dating experience.

1. No two guys are the same. I thought if my date liked me they'll probably kiss me at the end of the date. Truth is, Mr. D was in love with me already when we first met. But did he try to kiss me? No. How sometimes, we as girls, feel scared or skeptical of letting off our feelings too soon; some men too, if they genuinely like you, won't want to make you feel like they're only in for the physical aspect of it. So no matter how much he wants to kiss you, sometimes he would not do it- maybe he won't get the perfect moment, or maybe he'd want to wait and take it slow so you trust his intentions.

2. Men can be sweet in their own way. Mr. B got me chocolates, Mr. D sang me the sweetest song. But who was the one that made me feel really special? Mr. C, since I knew he was really busy and he went out of his way to make time for me. Don't get me wrong here. I know making time for your date is a pre requisite and not really an additional thing. But, efforts count, efforts always count. When someone takes initiatives and texts first, or calls you out of the blue- it's always appreciated and rarely ever goes unnoticed. 

3.The rush factor. In my experience, good things take time. Patience indeed is a virtue and you absolutely can't be rushing something that you want, to last forever. If your date has discussed how he can't wait to take off your dress- please run away. In all likelihood, he's either only interested in sleeping with you or is extremely desperate to find someone who gives him even a tad bit importance. Lucky for me, I caught Mr. A's intentions early on.

4. The time factor. Did he have to cut the date short due to an emergency phone call? Most likely, he's not into you. Unless there's a real emergency, it's just a lame excuse when he says his room-mate is depressed or his mom is awake waiting for him. Don't fall for that. Be smarter than that. However, if he says he'll only be able to spare an hour even before you meet, that means he's most likely planning out an exit strategy- meaning I'll leave in an hour if I don't like you. So if he sticks around for longer, you know where you stand.

5. Follow up. It's been more than two weeks and he still hasn't called or texted? Of course he could be busy, buried under a rock or even dead. But what will it take for you to move on? Remember, if a guy is into you, you will see some efforts or initiatives from his end. If he doesn't try to reach out to you, in all likelihood, he doesn't want to. Please gather whatever is left of your self respect and move on.

So all in all, the bottom line is that men will be men. There would be no definite signs to be honest; because most of the times, they themselves are confused about what they want.I still haven't been able to decode all the 4 guys i mentioned above. However, the above factors may be considered to be as pointers to follow on your next 'first date'! My next 'first date'? I have decided to take a break from 'first dates'; because I'm still distracted by those eyes I mentioned about. Maybe one day, I'll find myself, lost in them. So long. Happy Dating :)