Life's a Garden

It was around 2:45am on a chilly winter night last December and I was struggling to keep myself awake. I scrolled through my oh-so-interesting Instagram feed for a bit, watched a movie on Netflix, did some travel planning and even tried to bake a cake at that hour just to keep myself from falling asleep- all so I could wish this guy I was seeing, around midnight for his birthday. Needless to mention, he was in a different time zone and thus the struggle to be up till late.

As I picked up my phone eagerly at midnight by his time zone, and opened his chat window- I resisted the temptation to call him right away-I waited till it was 12:07 so as to not seem too desperate or available. I called him 3 times, and he didn't answer a single call. I want to say I was surprised- but was I? All this while, he was online- I wanted to text, but I was too heartbroken for that. I wondered if he was talking to family, or perhaps he had just left his phone on and fallen asleep. I started to make excuses in my head- excuses that explained him not taking my calls.

I thought in my head that maybe he was just not in a pleasant mood to be away from friends and family on his birthday and maybe that's why he didn't take my calls. Once I had convinced myself with all the excuses, an hour later, I dropped him a text- wishing him all the happiness in the world. Funnily enough, he was still online and I was still the girl who clearly had no self respect. He did respond the next morning, obviously mentioning he had slept early last night. I didn't question his lying and kept things cordial. So cordial, that when he got back into the country and there was just an 18 hour window between his 2 flights- I decided to send across his favourite cake.

It was 2 months later when I saw his "Happily Ever After" pictures spread across my previously mentioned oh-so-interesting Instagram feed, that I realised that he never valued me, or liked me as much. And honestly, while I can look for flaws in myself to take the blame for not being able to sustain a relationship- he claimed there was none (not the flaws, but the relationship). But that was the day I realised that against my better judgement and the wonderful advice I give all the women out there, I continue to pursue toxic men and give in my 200 percent in relationships where I'm not even getting an acknowledgement of it being a relationship. It's become a personality trait I think. So I decided never to do that again- to never put in more efforts than the other person, before the other person; to never give someone too much, too soon unless I'm certain their intentions are genuine; I decided to be more careful and more cautious with my heart so I never have to be awake at night again wondering why someone didn't take my calls.

The ultimate question in my mind that day was not just around why I continue to pursue such men who make me feel undervalued and unappreciated.. but also around why I put in so much efforts for men who seem not to care, at all. Being in a very similar situation in life as of today, one year down from the night of the incident- I feel I have the answers to these questions.

Why we pursue someone even though they make us feel undervalued, unappreciated and unwanted or why we put tonnes of efforts is because in all probability, they made us feel really happy, really valued, and really appreciated at a point in time- so at times we're just living in hope and chasing potential- so for us as women, it's not really about how happy we currently are, but how happy we could be. Little do we know, that men tend to change after they get what they want- most of them lose interest as the thrill of the chase ends. We're optimistic and hopeful, that things would change, that they'd want us, and we'd be happy again, but that's highly unlikely.

So, there's a choice you have to make- you can cut your losses and move on from men who may be cowardly to admit with words that they don't want you- but would make it evident in their actions; or you can choose to stick around till you see their happily ever after pictures on Instagram and then spend a few weeks recovering from the trauma you suffer. I'm not saying optimism is bad, or wrong- I'm saying being realistic is what is required- if a man wants you, he will come get you- your chasing him isn't required. He has a phone too, he can call, and he can text. What's also not required is you giving your 200 percent, because that'll only lead to you being taken for granted- and let's face it, that's not the most wonderful place to be.

But to be honest, while I've always made a case for letting go and I've even written on the ramifications of holding on as well- I'd like to point out that there's a difference between wanting to nurture a withered plant back to life, and watering a dead plant. you should know what kind of plant you're dealing with and you should let go when your relationship feels like you're watering a dead plant. Because you're not only wasting your time and efforts, you're also wasting the water- the water, that's capable of nurturing and blooming yet another plant; and trust me honey, life's a garden! 

Of Breaks, Heartbreaks and Break-ups!

When it comes to age, my opinion is same as the popular opinion- it's just a number- I mean especially with PC  marrying Nick who's 11 years younger to her. But very recently, I was shook to my very core when I met my cousins after a long time and actually sat down to chat with them. Kynaa is 15 and her younger brother Ayaan is 13. Both their ages combined is how old I am- and while I've dealt with heartbreaks of my own- one conversation with them; and it seemed like they're dealing with so much more than I ever have or could.

Kynaa is the more chatty one amongst the two- I'm guessing she's taken after me. Without even me asking she decided to tell me about this guy Mehul who she's been with for 5 years now in an on and off relationship. Absolutely made me question my own capabilities as I honestly struggle to keep myself or a man interested for longer than a month. However, what was more interesting was that she said he's embarrassed of her because he's too cool to be a 'one woman man', and that caused a major heartbreak for her. I couldn't believe my ears because when I was a teenager, I probably had a crush or two and we would maybe just share lunch boxes but that was it. Even today, as a matter of fact, if a man wouldn't want to date me, and the hypothesis I'd draw would relate to him being too cool to be a one woman man;- just seems like a very far fetched thought in my head.

Ayaan on the other hand, told me he had recently started dating this wonderful girl. Kynaa joked and said how Ayaan's current girlfriend is better than his last as the last one was a 'S***'. I was so taken aback at the usage of that word that I missed out on asking why Kynaa categorised her as one. But as per Ayaan, even though it had been just a month with his current girlfriend- he already thought he needed a break. A 13 year old, needed a 'break' from his 1 month old relationship- it was just so appalling to me and I couldn't help but think of my own self so I asked him why he thought he needed a break. His answer? It's cool to take breaks in relationships- makes you feel like you're in the movies, and it's better for the 'long term'.

Wow! I began to wonder how at such a young age, Kynaa and Ayaan were already thinking about the long term and were already dating and jumping from relationship to relationship. Why was this the case? Was it because it's cool, as they say? Or because they see adults struggling to find love so they want to start early on and get ahead in this non-existent yet seemingly important race where you have to find 'the one'? Before I could finish pondering over this, Kynaa brought me back to reality as she exclaimed, she thinks she should 'break-up' for once and for all. I didn't need to ask her why.

She said it's been 5 years and that's a long time, and because she wants to date more people and because she feels it's not working out so she wants to give up. I wanted to advise her against it- because in my opinion, if you find someone who you feel you like enough, it's unjust to think about wanting to date more people. People are not options- and I don't believe in treating them that way. Also, the longer you are with someone, the better you understand each other- I was unable to understand how time was a factor that was pro breaking up. And lastly, because I don't think giving up is the only option when things are not working out- you could also try to fix them- when the going gets tough, the tough get going!

But honestly, I didn't give any advice to Kynaa- mostly because I couldn't get myself to advice a 15 year old on relationships when I myself haven't been able to sustain one successfully. To Ayaan however- I did tell him that the only break he should be taking is a lunch break. We all laughed and called it a night. 

As I went to sleep that night, I wondered if we all, irrespective of how old we were, were just chasing the happiness and comfort that love could bring into our worlds. I know I am- are you chasing the same as well?