Of Pain, Strength and Happiness!

Like any other sane woman, I too, look at myself as a multi-tasker. So, last evening, I decided to sip on some red wine- something to go along with the final episode of "The Mindy project" that I was watching- while responding to work e-mails and eating fox-nuts. And normally, it would've all gone fine- but the BFF pinged, the phone vibrated, the MacBook turned a certain angle, touched the wine glass, which lost balance and fell on the floor!

Now I'm a careful woman- and I got up from the couch with extreme caution- and I wiped clean the last of the glass bits that I saw. Though I have to admit- I was a little sad to lose one of the wine glasses but I had this feeling of accomplishment that I cleaned it all- and without it causing me any damage. But I guess I thought that too soon.

As I started to sit back on the couch, a big piece of glass immersed in my left leg- and I honestly hadn't anticipated that there would still be glass- and that too on the couch. Before tears could fill up my eyes, I decided to take matters into my own hands (only option at that moment) and remove that piece of glass from my leg- and I did. Did it hurt? More than I could have imagined. Did it bleed? Non-stop for 15 minutes. Did I do the right thing?- Debatable. But there was one thing I knew for sure- I had become stronger. My tolerance for pain and my patience in dealing with it had increased.

What happened later in the evening or the gibberish that the doctor uttered is irrelevant. What's important is that I dealt with it, and without a single tear rolling down my cheek. Sure, I made a big deal of it, and told the fam and friends- but I still dealt with it, all by myself. I know it may not sound like a big deal, for either of you. Yet it was for me. Because all of us, as people, are afraid of certain things in life. What have I always feared? Pain- physical and emotional. But have I suffered pain? Yes- emotional probably more than physical. But was I able to endure it up until now? Probably not. So this day felt to me like facing my fears and possibly overcoming them with all the strength I could muster.

They say "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have"! And they're right! Because that day, I didn't cry because I knew there's no one to wipe my tears. I didn't throw a fit and took the glass out with my own bare hands, because I knew no one else would do it for me. And lastly yet most importantly, I patiently endured the pain, because I knew nothing would lessen it or make it go away at the moment. It was that day that I realised that the most important bit of dealing with any kind of circumstances in life is to first accept them.

We are always so busy fighting the circumstances, that we lose our strength- instead we should be more accepting of the current circumstances and saving our strengths to work towards a better future. Another important lesson I'd like you to take from here is that, sometimes the people who hurt us are the ones we never thought would- so more often than not- we don't see the wound, the pain coming and we sure as hell don't anticipate the damage. What's the best thing to do in such cases? Accept it and move on.

And from what I can tell you, the pain doesn't really go away soon, but it gets better- a little with each passing day. Like new skin grows over the wound and replaces the dead one, and it starts to heal- same way new people come into our lives, bring love and our life begins to heal. But you gotta give it time, you gotta be patient, and most importantly you gotta be accepting of the situation. And I assure you, one day, you'd just wake up, and even though the scar might be there- it just wouldn't hurt anymore, the pain would've gone- and you'll be at peace, and you'll be happy- and at the end of the day- "Happiness is all that matters"!

Forgotten?

In the past 3 weeks, I have done everything I possibly could to forget the past, erase it and move on. I constantly reminded myself of the fact that I've gotten through worse and survived so come what may- I can deal with it- and yes I can.

Chanting to myself- "He's just another guy!"- I started to think of ways to forget him and successfully move on in life. Advice from friends poured in! From hurling abuses, to going on a yoga retreat; from getting under someone to get over him to adopting celibacy; and from having a rebound to swearing off men- I had honestly heard it all- when I came up with a plan of my own.

The first step involved convincing myself that he was in fact, just another guy- and no one special. The second step involved burying myself into work. And the third one? Taking a solo vacation.

To be honest, the first step was pretty easy. Wiping the tears off, I had indeed convinced myself that he was just another guy, and many like him have come and gone and will come and go. I did realise that there are at least 278939 men out there who are way better than him in every sense and would have a genuine interest in me.

Step two? Work is always a good idea. I took up an additional project and I found myself thinking less about what went down and more about work. 'Mission accomplished'- I thought to myself!

Third step was the most fun to be honest. Travelling alone, meeting new people, visiting new places- that kinda did the trick for me (or so I thought)! As I sat at the beach, and the waves touched my feet and went right back to the sea- I realised that's where my happiness was- in the waves- and in the waves of change, like they say, i found my direction.

It was then that I realised, that forgetting someone isn't an option; mainly because it's not possible. Once someone has been a part of your life, they will always continue to be a part of your life- as a part of your past maybe; as a part of your memories perhaps- but they will always be a part of it. Since you can't go back in time, and erase the past, you can't really 'forget' someone. And why do we even have to forget someone? just because the memories hurt? But would we really be ourselves if we got rid of our memories? A clean slate is nice, but then what would make me 'me'?

It was then that I understood that there was a major flaw in my 3 step plan- I had never accepted that I wanted to close the doors to the past and move on- I was to just get rid of it- to just forget it like a nightmare. But the truth is, it wasn't a nightmare- I had lived it- it was the truth and not a fragment of my imagination- which is what made it hard, and impossible to forget it.

The point is that we're all only human- we love, we lose, we deal with heartbreaks, at times people do treat us badly and at times we do lose patience to deal with it all. And it's okay to feel like we want to shut ourselves down, and to actually not want to feel anything it all. But what we often forget is, that it's these feelings that make us human. It's these feelings that make us believe in love and keep the hope that one day "love can heal our brokenness"!

And the silver lining in dealing with all the bad times?- I've learnt from my experiences. They make me what i am today. I would not change a thing because what if I'm exactly in alignment with the plan of the universe? And I do believe in "Whatever happens, happens for good!"- and that's why I'm going to stay positive, no matter what. For my solo trip did teach me- there's  lot I haven't seen yet, a lot I haven't felt, a lot I haven't experienced yet and I do have a long way to go. There's so much more to my life than to mourn the loss of a man who clearly doesn't deserve a single tear shed in his name. And as C.W. Lewis said- "There are far, far better things ahead, than the ones we leave behind!"

So here's hoping, the future is as sparkly and glittery as my sequin dress! And here's hoping we all get some days by the beach- because while I still haven't forgotten the past, the waves did successfully wash my feelings away! Forgotten? Not at all. Moved on? Definitely yes!