Of Life, and Deadlines

Inspiration- My Girlfriends :)

The best part about family dinners? Food. The worst? Relatives.

At one such family dinner, while I was gorging on my absolute favorite cheesecake for dessert; and thanking god for helping me get through the night and reaffirming my belief in him- one of my uncles, for some reason, thought it was appropriate to yet again bring up the subject of marriage. My cheesecake, suddenly seemed to have lost all its sweetness and flavor.

Sometimes I wonder how, and why, as a society, we're so obsessed with the idea of "A happy married life"! I wonder, if that's all people want? Is it everything? Is it the natural progression in life? Like a thing you have to cross off your to-do list? And if yes, then why?

We all set personal goals. Mine usually revolve around vacationing or something new that I'd like to learn. But there are people, some friends of mine too, whose lives revolve around the idea of the perfect marriage. Their personal goals? Study, work, get married, have kids! But if they scout for answers deep within their own self; I wish to know if that's what they really want? And if yes, is that 'all' that they really want? Is the idea of a "Happily Ever After" so appealing that we're just following the herd and not focusing on what we really want or how we really want to live? Or is it that we have been conditioned to believe so and because of that we're unable to think straight and focus on our real wants?

Talking to a dear friend Suman the other night, I realized we all are in the same boat. We all, marriage obsessed or not, want the same thing. Men, women- single, married, dating or just sleeping around; irrespective of their relationship status tags, and most certainly irrespective of their age and social status- deep within, all of us, are looking for someone to fill the emptiness in our hearts. Someone to call our own, someone to love, someone to be loved by, someone who we can belong to, someone to effortlessly hang out with, someone we can be completely ourselves around and someone who can fix us!

Some of us seem to think marriages help us find that 'someone'! We think that marriages lead to love. So we give that a try! Works at times, and doesn't at times- but hey, at least we try! Then there's another set of us- we know we're not emotionally available, so we 'keep it casual' and keep hooking up with different people until we find that someone who can fix us. And then there's a small group of us- who look for that 'someone' in every person we meet, only to be disappointed over and over again- yet we never give up. We have faith, so we wait, patiently, while the society mocks us and asks us to quickly find someone and get married. If only, it was so easy.

I feel, as millennials, no matter which of the above categories we belong to, we lead very comfortable lives in general. We portray ourselves to be strong, happy, content and in a very comfortable and fun space. And sooner than later, in the process of convincing others about how amazing and fun and comfortable our lifestyles are, we start believing the same too. We don't feel like we're missing something or there's a need for 'someone' in our lives. But the truth is, there is. And what we do crave right now, is a little discomfort.

The discomfort that stems from someone checking up on you- if you got home safe, if you remembered to take your medicines, if you got that promotion at work. The discomfort that stems from making time to catch up, putting in efforts to be liked by someone's friends and family. The discomfort that comes from putting together the ingredients for that one home cooked meal. Whether or not you realize it, that is the discomfort you crave. The discomfort that comes from companionship. Life isn't meant to be lived alone- that's true- and I guess deep inside we all know it.

However, being pro-companionship doesn't mean I'm pro 'forced marriages with deadlines'. Having said that, to each their own. But in my personal opinion, don't get married because you have to, or because you've reached a certain age, or your cousins and friends are getting married or because your biological clock is ticking. Get married only, if and when, you find that person who you're willing to take up discomfort for.

Maybe we need to change our mindsets, and be honest about what we're looking for. And that's love and companionship, and not Marriage essentially. Once you find love, marriage can come after- if you like. So go out, date, or don't date, approach people you like or meet your perfect match the arranged marriage way- but just don't settle because someone told you- "you should have been married by now"! Me here? I'm just gonna wait for Mr. Right; who seems like he's coming around 'sooner'!

The Heart Wants what it Wants

‘It’s a funny world out there!’- I thought to myself while sipping on my passion fruit ice tea at my favourite café. The couple sitting across from my table seemed unusually imbalanced – romantically I mean. The guy seemed like he was in love with the miss who constantly kept asking him about the next expensive gift he’d buy her or the next restaurant where they should be going on their next date. I could literally feel the guy’s pain and disappointment as he tried to make some genuine conversations, only to be shut down. I wondered why he was with her. I wondered what made him stick around. She wasn’t the prettiest of girls to be honest, and her dressing sense pretty much sucked (who wears full- flared calf length skirts to cafes?). To add to that, she seemed barely interested in him or what he had to say.

Thinking of them brought me back to my own self. What was I doing? I’ve been forever hung over this one guy who probably doesn’t even think of me like once a month. But in my mind, he’s this perfect guy who I’m convinced is ‘the one’. How many perfectly nice, decent guys have I passed on over the past few months because of this guy who can’t find a fuck to spare, you ask? Let’s say it’s a number I can’t count on my fingers.

Discussing the same subject with my friend Alice the other day, I realized she was in a similar situation too. She too was waiting on a guy, as she thought things were going in a good direction- but it was probably all in her head. He apparently responded to her texts in monosyllables and almost always turned down Alice’s attempts at hanging out. And on the other end, Alice had a long queue of men, waiting to hang out with her, asking her out, vying for her attention and showing immense interest in her. But who was Alice interested in? The guy who couldn’t respond to her texts in complete sentences.

Why does this happen to the best of us? Why do we set our hearts on this one person out there, irrespective of what they feel for us? Why do we choose to live in this self- created fantasy land instead of the real world where love and relationships are a two way street? Why does unrequited love exist at all? Has practicality died? Perhaps it has.

Maybe the answer is that we don't wanna walk the two way street, we don't wanna be in the real world because the fantasy one is safer. It is yours and only yours, nobody can take it away from you. This brings up to mind the theme of Karan Johar's latest film, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, where incomplete love is complete in itself. In one of the dialogues of the film it said that this love is not divided between two people so only one person owns it, and that's what makes it beautiful. Hopelessly romantic? Perhaps. But if love is not that of the person, and hence not of one's interactions with that person, but that of the beauty as Plato famously puts it in his Symposium, then surely there is more beauty to be found in the fantasy land than in practical approach to love that is so much needed in the cold reality of today's world. 

Reminds me of another friend, who fell for this girl, who would make him run errands all day, but would laugh it off if he asked her out on a date. Horrible- if I think of it. What must the guy be going through?

The truth is, when we like someone, or we have a crush on them, or fall for them- we can’t differentiate between what’s right and what’s wrong. And we somehow happen to celebrate the smallest things or gestures associated to the object of our affection. When my supposed Mr. Right texts me, it makes my day! Hell it makes my week! I lose the ability to decipher and understand that he just texted me, and it’s not a big deal. 10 other guys text me on an everyday basis.

But is it sane? Is it the right thing to do? Are me, Alice and the guy at the Café on the right path? I’m afraid the answer is No. It might seem like it’s fancy and very movie-ish to live in this fantasy land where you and your crush come together one day and sing love songs and dance around trees; but the truth is far from it. Because it holds us from moving on, from finding someone better, someone we deserve and someone who deserves us. It also hinders our personal growth.

Having said that, facts and figures aside, love is not a game of rights and wrongs. It’s above truth and lies and what lies in between. It’s above monosyllable texting and way above running errands for someone we like. So if you know, it’s love, don’t give up. Because as Chuck Bass once said- “you don’t give up in the face of true love, even if the object of your affection is begging you to!”

And of course, The heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants to wait till Mr. Right comes around.