Almost

I guess I was in 2^nd grade, when one of my teachers emphasised the importance of learning the art of being fluent in the English Language. And honestly, there hasn’t been one day in my life when I’ve questioned her words. Touted as the Grammar Nazi of the group at times; I secretly, do enjoy, when friends and acquaintances reach out to me for drafting their mails, texts and what not.

English, as a language, is so beautiful in itself. The words, the phrases- I can’t think of a better language to express oneself; unless of course, if you’re a poet and Urdu is your forte- that’s a totally different ballgame altogether.

But well coming to the point; I recently watched this movie called- ‘Before We Go’- nothing special though. But it did make me wish and hope for a better climax for the story. It’s about two people, brought together by fate, who spend one eventful night to eventually fall for each other but still end up going their separate ways. How tragic is that?

And that made me wonder about all the tragic moments I’ve experienced in life. And I realised, that there’s been nothing as tragic as stories, chapters and moments of my life that have been left incomplete. Establishing a common pattern, I realised that the most tragic word of all time in the English language is- Almost.

I almost said goodbye to the job I hated. I almost told him I love him. I almost bought that dress I liked. I almost took that Goa vacay I’ve been planning. I’m almost done being friends with her. I almost told him the truth. We almost met. We almost fell for each other. I almost said yes.

Almost- when you’re there, but not quite; just not yet. The truth is, nothing causes more regrets in your life than ‘Almost’. It brings you face to face with what could have been. And it’s such a tragedy to be so close to what you want, and to see it slip away in front of your own eyes. We are often afraid, to make up our minds, and to take a stand. We don’t make choices that we need to, that we know are important to be made, in time. We take things for granted. We take people for granted. We take our own self for granted too. In this race called life, we forget to make time or take measures for things that matter the most in the long run.

And in the end of it all, when we reach the finish line, our life is nothing but a list of “What Ifs” and “Almosts”. And if that’s not a tragedy, I don’t know what is. So go out there, do the things you’e always wanted to. Check off those items on your checklist. Call back that old friend who has been trying to reach out to you. Stop doing what you dislike. Take chances, burn bridges, apologize, forgive, dance, fall in love, make friends, travel the word, do everything you want to- Live! Don’t ‘almost’ live. Don’t leave your story incomplete; because years from now on, when someone talks about you, they shouldn’t have to wish or hope for a better climax.

Mr. Right Vs Mr. Right Now

I’ve only ever been able to sustain one long distance relationship in my life; and that’s been with my BFF Piu. We can talk for hours and not feel any discomfort whatsoever and the fact that we haven’t seen each other in years, doesn’t change things one bit. In one of our recent late night conversations, we started thinking about this difficult choice we girls need to make; to choose between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.

Piu has been really lucky, to have found Mr. Right at the right time. Me, on the contrary, not so much. Always on the lookout for Mr. Right, I’ve successfully managed to turn down all the Mr. Right Nows that I have encountered over the years. I didn’t even give so much as a thought to the Mr. Right Nows- what if one of these men that I’ve turned down, was Mr. Right? You never know. I can’t say for sure.

But what I can say is- I’ve found someone recently who checks all the boxes; and surprisingly he’s much more than those ticks on my checklist. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and I could not be happier to have found someone like him. But even though he does seem like he is Mr. Right, probably the timing isn’t right, or he’s just not that into me- what do I know?

Screenshots started piling in our chat box, as me and Piu tried to decode my Mr. Right’s texts. “Why are women considered complex?” I thought to myself. While Mr. Right certainly does seem interested; he’s hot and he’s cold and he disappears for days at a stretch and forgets I exist. That doesn’t go down well with my attention seeking self (guilty as charged!). Piu’s suggestion was I tell him I like him, and ask him if he wants anything to do with me, else I should move on. But was it the right thing to do? Giving him an ultimatum of sorts? Would it be wise to show desperation? Having said that, I have already mentioned to him a couple of times how much I like him; but does that mean he absolutely has to like me too? Can’t I deal with rejection or just make peace with the fact that I’m not right for my Mr. Right? Clouded with thoughts and feelings, Piu and me decided to not pursue him anymore. Because for him to be Mr. Right, he has to stick around and feel the same way I feel; and feelings can’t be forced with an ultimatum.

But the problem is, that the moment you stop pursuing Mr. Right, you realise that Mr. Right Nows have piled up. So what do you do? Piu and me started discussing the possibility of a Mr. Right Now being Mr. Right. This one guy in particular, has been chasing me for days, and he has the cutest smile a man can have (very SRKish) ! What’s more? He treats me like I mean the world to him and has the nicest things to say. I could actually see him being Mr. Right- one day, some day!

So what would you do if you were me? Would you pine over Mr. Right and pray he realises what he’s missing out on, or would you go about your life with the more ‘available’ Mr. Right Now? Guess you could do both or neither at all. We as women, are conditioned to choose one! We overthink situations and force ourselves to decide even when not making a choice is also a choice we can make.

So I’m just going to take away the focus from my Mr. Right as well as Mr. Right Now and focus on myself for a bit. Who knows when Mr. Right decides to knock my door? Who are you focusing on- Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now? And don’t you forget- sometimes Mr. Right Now, may also be your Mr. Right. As Piu says, it’s all about timing. Gotta love the girl for her words of wisdom!

Fix You

Lying on my bed feeling miserable, for the 6^th consecutive day, I started to wonder why I wasn’t able to shake off the flu. One thought led to another, and I began to think about everything that was going wrong in my life- I was losing friends (some of them, I don’t even think I should refer to as friends anymore); I was having troubles at work; I was not able to focus on writing; the guy I liked wouldn’t text me back; financial issues cropped up out of nowhere and to top it all I was extremely ill and had no energy whatsoever to even get out of the bed. These do sound like first world problems- but they were problems nevertheless.

I tried to deduce a pattern; and it wasn’t long before I arrived at the conclusion that all my problems would be fixed once things went back to normal between me and Kabir. Me and Kabir have a tendency to blow up the tiniest of problems, mix them up with our super inflated egos and just stop talking to each other till one of us tries to fix things! And it is my sincere belief, that every single time Me and Kabir stop talking to each other or fight about another one of our trivial issues- my world falls apart; nothing seems to work in my favour and my life basically becomes this big mess that I absolutely can’t deal with.

In a desperate attempt to get my shit together and ‘fix things’ that night, I texted Kabir telling him I missed him. But what good has ever come out of midnight texts and desperate attempts? Needless to say, Kabir was rather unflustered and didn’t think it was necessary to reply. 

What did I do next? I decided to fix my own self and stop my world from crumbling down around me. I decided to take matters into my own hands and not depend on someone else to ‘fix me’.In another week, I started to feel better physically and I was able to concentrate more on building my life. I didn’t regain the friends I lost because I didn’t want to. Sometimes people hurt you, but letting them go is the best decision you can make. The troubles at work finally came to an end. Work itself actually came to an end; and I got the necessary break I had been craving for. Before I even realised, everything started to fall in place, and fix itself. And what was it that was required from my end? Just a little bit of effort and faith in my own capabilities.

My life may not be the ‘ideal’ life or the one that’s the source of envy for a bunch of people out there. My style of living is not something a lot of you would actually conform with or relate to. But what will be common for you, me and everyone out there is that more often than not, in the past or in the present, we’ve based our happiness on someone else, we’ve given that someone else the power to rule over our emotions or to ‘fix’ us. But that’s wrong! The only person responsible for your happiness is you. Giving another person this responsibility is too much of a burden on them.

So as March sets in, I’m taking charge of my own life and deciding that every time things require fixing in my life, I won’t be thinking of Kabir or anyone else- I’ll take matters into my own hands and fix the shit out of them.

Here’s hoping, that you too remember, that the only person who can ‘Fix You’ is ‘You’!